The Big V

I have been exploring the world of vulnerability. OK well maybe ‘explore’ is going a little far. More like I’ve said the word a couple times out loud.

The Big V, is my scary place and as I quote about and deeply believe the ‘scary places’ are exactly where we need to go. They are the places most in need of our exploration.

I’ve known this about vulnerability for awhile but like many of us, I tiptoed around the edges of the discomfort. Being vulnerable meant I had to lean in, be present, stand up, be seen and ultimately go there.

‘In my defenselessness my safety lies’ – A Course In Miracles

Ironically, despite my resistance and fear, I have found the times when I have felt anchored in my truth and in touch with what I have to say and share from that place a sense of freedom arises. I am not hidden or covering myself up because of shame or fear of rejection. I am communicating my experience from a truthful place. This heart centered communication feels good. I feel good. And what is even more uplifting and affirming is when I speak from my truth, show up and allow myself to be seen, is when I connect the deepest with others.

So why then, didn’t I always live in and communicate from this authentic, open hearted place. Especially  if it feels better and my life experience is richer.

Maybe because there are still layers where I am not sure I am worthy or not convinced I will be ok. I know other people, friends, family, loved ones would tell me I’m enough and mean it yes, but the point is I don’t know that for sure. These are the uncharted places inside, where I haven’t spent a lot of time in. They are foreign to me and I am not sure how I feel about them, never mind showing them to someone else.

I think this is where faith comes in. Faith that something bigger then me has my back. That I won’t be left exposed in a terrified place if I reveal my truth. I practice the willingness to allow myself to be seen and trust that I will be greeted by love, peace, happiness. The big V becomes a practice in surrender, as again and again I hand my truth over to a power greater then me.

I’m scared.
I’m not sure I’m enough.
I can’t.

I hand these deep, vulnerable truths over. I lean into the experience of them being there. I stand up and allow myself to be seen exactly as I am. And every time, Spirit shows up (in a variety of ways) and greets me with love, acceptance and peace. I feel good and my willingness to and faith in exploring the Big V, seeking out the hidden places, increases.

I commit to this. I commit to living a life where regardless of fear, I allow the layers of who I am to reveal themselves. This commitment also means I am willing to hold the space for others do the same. I let my partner reveal his truths or questions without attack or shaming. I let my kids show up as they are. My co-workers, clients, neighbors, friends, loved ones.

I let go of my grip, close my eyes and allow the universe to do its thing. I leave room for the Big V to penetrate and in return my faith in my defenselessness grows deeper.

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