Empty Spaces

I think it’s time to start a project. Something inspirational or no motivational, yes much better. I should start a new gym? Join cross fit? Go to Barre class more? Definitely I need a new eating plan. I’m going to be strict,all paleo, no carbs. Or Weight Watchers that’s worked in the past. Slim down, tighten up. I’m going to workout five days a week, write down everything I put in my mouth. It’s going to be amazing, awesome, life changing. I’m going to be a new person. And then I will finally get everything I’ve ever wanted. I will finally be perfect.

The above rant has become familiar, common. It’s what I do to fill my empty spaces. Last month I was changing careers.The month before that I bought a new wardrobe. They often take on a different theme (diet, wardrobe, career) but all stem from the same empty space….the feeling or belief that I am inadequate, that I should be better, more, greater, that ultimately, I’m not enough.
I call them empty spaces because they create a feeling that something needs to be ‘filled up’. If I fill it up with a rock hard perfectly sculpted body then I will be enough. If I change careers or jobs and make more money I will be enough. New clothes, shoes, makeup, hair… Oh boy! then for sure I will be enough.
But the enough never seems to come.

About a year ago I decided to try something different. I began asking for guidance, help, direction. I started to surrender to the truth. The truth being I felt trapped, inadequate, alone and on an endless quest to fill my empty space with something outside of myself. I went from looking outside to looking inside. And it does sound so ‘cliche’ but that is exactly when the miracles started to happen.

‘I loose the world of all I thought it was.’ –A Course In Miracles.

I made a commitment to myself to shine light on how I felt in the moment (inadequate, trapped, alone) but at the same time be willing to open up to the idea that those beliefs or feelings were not the truth. I became willing to let go of all I thought my world was and allow my inner guide to show me the truth.

Since that commitment much has changed. Miracles abound, my life is filled with happiness, abundance and grace. But the most significant change is my willingness to let go of my fear in the moment and allow my inner guide to replace it with love. I still have moments of fear, trying times and a fearful ego that can run wild! I still hear the old ‘you’re not enough’ chant (and sometimes they still last awhile). The difference is now as soon as I am aware it is there, I offer it up. I offer up my empty spaces to my inner guide, my higher self and I find each time without fail, they are filled back up with love.

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